Control Freak

I never really thought of myself as a control freak until recently, when I started reading The Search for Significance. God has started showing me very clearly that I totally am one. Dangit! I wanted to portray myself as this laid back, easy going person. I mean, if I was perfectionist wouldn't my house be perfectly cleaned at all times? Wouldn't my flowers be perfectly weeded and pruned? Wouldn't the laundry be folded and put away instead of sitting in the baskets for three days? The truth is, like a lot of people I have this all or nothing attitude. If I can't clean my house exactly the way I want to, what's the point? If I don't have three hours to spend organizing the stuff on my desk, what's the point of tidying it up? If I can't spend the money on all the things I want to make my garden look nicer, then who cares? As for the laundry..well...that's just plain laziness!

The problem with being a perfectionist is that it doesn't just affect you. I am finding that it could eventually ruin my relationships if I don't change. It turns you into a total control freak, and to people that don't understand why you are the way you are, you come across as, well (I'm just going to say it) a total bitch. Let's take yesterday for example:

I was having a tough time with Ainsley. If she misses naps, she just gets miserable. The 20 minute catnaps just weren't cutting it for her and she was screaming. I was out with my mom and I still needed to buy some stuff for a goodbye party for Brandon and Rach (subject of another post...so sad). My mom graciously offered to go to the store for me so I could get Ainsley back to her house and calmed down a little. With all the screaming in the background, I quickly told my mom what I needed and we parted ways. She came home with a few sacks of food and other things. Instead of being grateful about what she got, I immediately started criticizing this and that (shameful, I know) because it wasn't exactly what I would have bought. If the tables were turned and I had gone shopping for her and she had reacted that way, I probably would have walked out of the house, uttering a few cusswords about ungrateful people, but my mom is a much better person than I am. She calmly explained why she bought what she did. As the afternoon progressed, things didn't get much better. My cookies didn't turn out that great. Turns out I used baking powder instead of baking soda (oops) and started to panic that no one would want to eat them. When my mom said "Marie it's not like you're entering them in the state fair!" I realized it really didn't matter either way. It also didn't matter if people didn't like the exact flavors of pop she chose.

Later on, as is common with me, I realized the error of my way and called my mom to apologize. She forgave me. People did eat the cookies (except for the 10 or so burnt ones on the bottom, which I left at Andrea's house...hee hee!) and drank almost all the pop.

My control freakness does leech out into other areas as well. God forbid Devin put Ainsley to sleep in her swing because "the book" says that's bad to do! And our roof could possibly cave in if he gives her some formula instead of the frozen breastmilk (which in his defense, is a pain to thaw). Oh, and it also could signify Armageddon if Addison's outfits don't match.

The point is I want to change! No one likes to be around people like this. They are just flat out annoying and take the fun out of everything by worrying about stupid details that don't even matter! Thankfully I'm married to a guy who doesn't put up with my crap, and I'm saved by a God who will change me if I ask for help. Any other perfectionists out there want to go on this journey with me?