Life, Life, Life

I received this cute wreath in the mail from Abbe yesterday. Isn't it pretty? She sent it because I shared our debt story on her blog a week or so ago. You can read it here if you want. I would highly recommend adding her blog to your list. She is such a gifted writer and always encourages me and inspires me. I know Abbe because Rachel and Amanda used to go to her for haircuts. She did Amanda's wedding hair.

The last couple of days haven't been so easy. My close friend's mom just passed away yesterday of Pancreatic Cancer. I haven't experienced a death in many years and it was just very difficult to watch my friend lose her mom. I was torn between gratefulness that my mom is perfectly healthy and agony because I love my friend so much and hated to see her endure something so painful. It just blows. She was one of the people I wrote that poem for.

The last few weeks have kept me busy writing a portion of a grant for the College of Southern Idaho. After I turned in all 36ish pages, I was told that the college doesn't have enough of a match to be a good candidate. Even though it was a technical issue and had nothing to do with what I turned in, I still only got half the amount of money that I had been expecting. It was such a bummer to find out that the schools that I had become so familiar with won't be getting the equipment to help them out. I was still grateful to have a nice chunk of cash to throw at our debt snowball....WHICH IS ALMOST FINISHED until a nice visit to Meineke today, in which they told me that I will be using half that money to pay for car repairs.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

So it looks like it's still going to be awhile on this debt payoff. It's ok. I'm disappointed, but I'm not angry. I'm not going to be defeated. Today I am choosing joy. There are so many good things in my life, so like Amanda just did, I will go ahead and list them:

1. We had the money to pay for the car repair and didn't have to use our emergency fund
2. My mom is healthy and we see each other all the time. In fact, she's going to pick up my car-less self and take me to her place tonight.
3. Ainsley can say "baaa" when you ask her what a lamb says. Yes she may say that for all the other animals as well, but that's alright.
4. It's a beautiful day outside today, so walking home from the car place wasn't all that terrible. Addison got tired of walking, so she held Ainsley in her lap in the umbrella stroller.
5. They didn't squeal and fight sitting together in the umbrella stroller!
6. Addison can make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
7. I found an adorable dress at Target for only $10 w/ cute shoes to match for $20 (Next post: ridding yourself of unnecessary guilt for buying said shoes)
8. Devin's work sent him to VA for business the same weekend his brother is graduating from Virginia Tech. He'll get to see his dad as well as see his brother graduate! And his company paid the airfare!


Thanks God for all the good things in my life, and give me the strength to choose joy. Please wrap Your arms around my sweet friend Alicia, and comfort her. Help me to be a good friend to her and never take the time I have with my mom(s) forgranted again. Tell her mom to tell my grandmas hi up there, and that Addison and Ainsley win in the "cutest grandkid" argument that they're having.

Mother's Day 5K

This was such a fun race. I have to say that I truly enjoyed participating in it. I was super nervous the night before, and right before the race. The unknown is always a scary thing, isn't it? There was also the coffee dilemma. Do I drink it for energy and risk having to....you know..... or not? I had some. It was fine. Phew!

Some of my other friends signed up as well, but I accidentally ran into Kelly in the parking lot, so we started out together. We may or may not have snickered at a cheesy middle aged lady doing warm up aerobics to iTunes in the starting line. Kelly, my amazing single-mom friend, deserves some major shoutouts. She trained for the 5k on her lunch break every day because that was the only time she had to exercise. Is that amazing or what?

Devin was really sweet. He dragged the girls out of bed at the crack of dawn to come and watch me run. It was really fun to see him at different times during the race, and it helped encourage me to keep going.

Finished the race in 32:39, 10:31 minute mile. I was very pleased with these results. In all my practicing, the fastest I was ever able to go was 11 minutes per mile. My ultimate goal was to finish the darn thing without stopping, and I was able to do that. It was truly a great feeling. We got really cute little shirts and I wore mine proudly to church, like a big dork. My ultimate plan was to stop at Starbucks immediately after and get a dark cherry mocha, but I opted for one at Panera instead. Blagh. Not the same.

Thanks for all your encouragement! Before I even started running I thought "oh 3 miles. That's easy!" Then I started and that thinking changed to "there's no way I'll ever be able to do that" considering I could only go for 1 minute without getting tired and having to stop. Running for 30-40 minutes just seemed impossible.

I guess with my grant writing endeavor and this 5k, 2010 was the year for taking on some new challenges. For someone who only likes to do things that she knows she can do really, really well, this was a big deal. Totally worth it.
























































This last one has nothing to do with running; it's just Addison being so cute. I guess Roxie and Huck needed to be cozier. Roxy even has a beanie baby.

The friend of one who is hurting

Some of my friends and family are hurting right now. This was on my mind as I was driving home tonight...

I wish you knew that when you're hurting, I'm hurting too.
I wish you knew that when I don't know what to say, it's because I see the pain in your eyes or hear it in your voice, and no words seem right. I end up making a joke because that's what I do---I make jokes or say inappropriate things. In some weird way, I hope it helps ease the pain for a moment.
I want you to feel joy, not because I want you to pretend you're not hurting, but because I don't want you to have to feel sad anymore.
I want you to know that when I bring you food or watch your kids or offer to do some other trivial thing, it's me saying "I want your pain to go away, and I'd do anything to make that happen, even for a second."
I want you to know that you're on my mind all the time. Whenever I hear a song play on the radio that is fitting, I want you to hear it, but making you a mixed cd seems sort of cheesy. Besides, what if you don't like the same songs I like? What if you think it's weird to hear "Wonderful World" by James Morrison? I mean, it's not exactly insspirational. It just seems fitting for what you're going through.
Sometimes I think life just sucks, but I know that God is good. I know that God can take away your pain and give you hope, but I don't want to tell you that because I don't want to get all churchy and flowery on you. I don't want to, in any way, diminish the hurt. I don't want to placate you with pat answers.
Sometimes hearing "God is good. All the time!" when you're knee deep in a pile of "you know" is flat out condescending.
At the same time, I know the sovereignty and goodness of God is truth. He is going to get you through this. He is going to be your rock. He is going to show you that if you will let Him.
It's crippling to know that I can't do anything to make things easier.
In some strange way, God is showing me that there is one thing that I can do that is more important than any other thing: I can pray for you.
I know, I know...it sounds trite. It's what we Christians say to each other, isn't it?
I want you to know that when I pray for you, my heart is pleading on your behalf that God will take some of the pain away; to give you some hope, even if it just means getting through the day.
I hope you know that.
In the meantime, I'm still here. I'm here if you want to talk about it. I'm here if you want to talk about something else--anything else. Lord knows I watch enough television. We can talk about that.
But in the silences that come in between talking about those other things, I hope you feel how much I love you. And I'm here through this whole journey.

Love,
Marie

P.S. As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joey
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord's renown,
for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed.
Isaiah 55:8-13

Cooking

Some of you are really into cooking. You love trying new, complicated recipes, spending hours in the kitchen and even plate the food with garnishes and stuff. You might even go as far as to call yourself a "foodie." I like cooking dinner for my family, and I am enjoying teaching Addison how to cook. I even think I do a halfway decent job, but I definitely wouldn't consider it a hobby of mine. Maybe it's because I have so much going on in my life right now, but there are times (nightly) where I just dread going in that kitchen to make dinner. It doesn't help that evening time is usually death hour in this household, and hearing Addison say "What are we having mom? I don't like that! I don't want that!" before she's even tasted it certainly doesn't help. Then there's Ainsley, and the endless task of keeping her out of the pantry. or the litterbox. or the toilet, or trying to get in and out of the fridge before she can get her grubby little fingers around the salad dressings. All that to say cooking is not my most favorite thing right now.

Having said that, the thing that makes cooking worth it, besides hearing Addison say "I LOVE THIS DINNER, MOM!", is thinking of all of you guys when I'm looking through my recipe book, getting ready to make something you posted, emailed, or made for me when we were together. Whenever I make spice pancakes, I think of Brenda. Whenever I make white chili I think of Roz, chicken divan casserole aka "heaven in a 9x13", I think of my mom. We've been eating those sweet potato fries for years, but Em changed my whole world when she posted a recipe for them with coriander. Tonight for dinner I made Chicken Succotash and it made me think of Keri. I could go on...and on...and on.

So next time you post a recipe, thinking no one really cares, know that I might be trying it out and thinking of you and appreciating having you in my life while I do, even if I accidentally burn it to a crisp, or in the case of Amanda's peasant bread, leave it raw on the inside. ;)

Poor Jamie

I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution last night. It was a great show. You can google it if you want more info about what the show's about, but his basic idea was to change what public school students in West Virginia are being fed for breakfast and lunch and make it HEALTHY!

The students were served pizza and chocolate or strawberry milk for BREAKFAST! Then, for lunch, they had chicken nuggets, some fruit cocktail, more flavored milk, some bread and some fake mashed potatoes. It was all frozen, pre-cooked, loaded with chemicals and preservatives, and oils and sugars.

Jamie only had three days to prepare his own meals. On the first day the kids were to choose between what he prepared (a marinated roasted chicken leg, salad, and brown rice) and the frozen pizza option that had been served before. Part of his success was measured by if the kids liked the food or not.

As much as we all hoped the kids would salivate for that roasted chicken leg and salad, SURPRISE! they picked the pizza.

"Hey Addison would you rather have some steamed asparagus or some chicken nuggets from McDonalds?"

DUH!

This stuff takes time. Kids have to get used to eating healthy. It's not going to happen in three days. These kids are accustomed to only eating foods jam packed with fats and sugars. Their little bodies probably don't even know what to do with a fresh vegetable. You should have seen how upset they were when he only gave them white milk to drink.

This show is pretty fascinating. I'm intrigued!

My own redemption story

DISCLAIMER: This is a novel. I'm sorry, but not that sorry because I feel a thousand times better after writing it. Thanks!

I'm so sorry I've been absent for so long blog friends! Honestly, the past few weeks have been kind of...weird for me. I've been going through a lot, but it's all been internal. I've basically been taking a internal journey back to the past; not to my happy childhood or wonderful college years, but to the years that stunk the worst: high school. I don't really know what started it. Maybe it was going to Natasha's dad's funeral and thinking about my relationships with my mom and dad. Maybe it was the women's retreat which was extremely emotional. I think most of it has to do with this book called Boundaries that I've been reading.

Boundaries is an outstanding book. It's jam packed with really, really helpful information about protecting yourself and your heart from hurtful people and circumstances in a healthy way. I would strongly recommend it. Anyway, there was a chapter about how your boundaries are influenced by how you were brought up. My mom is reading the book too, so we were discussing those years. I told her that I honestly only had good memories of my childhood, and I thought they did a great job raising me. Then we started talking about the two really, really hard years of my life: 16 and 17.

I knew that those were hard years for me, and I vaguely remember my mom going through depression, but I had no idea how bad she was struggling with it until we talked a few weeks ago. So those years have been on my mind a lot lately. Most of you were friends with me back then, and if you weren't, a lot of you have heard me share my stories from those years. Lots of rebellion, unhealthy relationships with boys, pot, smoking, drinking, skipping class, getting fired from Target for shoplifting, car accidents, just really shitty stuff. I'm sorry. It was. It was just a really bad time. One year was in Kansas and the other year was in Maryland. It didn't help that both of my beloved grandmothers died in the same year. Anyway I honestly don't remember a lot about those years. I have sort of blocked them out. Whenever I think about them I just see black in my mind. I remember that I never wanted to be at home. I spent a lot of time at friends' houses or just out and about. I always attributed that to normal teenage angst and hormones, but maybe it had a lot to do with my mom's depression. I don't really know, and honestly, it doesn't really matter. I guess it just helps because all this time I had thought of myself as bad, and maybe I wasn't so bad--I was just running away from painful circumstances. Part of my sanguine personality is that I don't like to dwell on sad things, so that would explain some of my "activities" as well.

Again, I don't know why all of these feelings are coming back. It could also do with good ol' facebook. Along with friends that I am thrilled to reconnect with, I have also (mistakenly) befriended people that, along with their pictures and new, changed (some not so changed) lives, bring old hurts and bad memories to the surface. I thought that it was all done and in the past, but maybe I still haven't dealt with some of this. Obviously I haven't because here I am at 28 still thinking about it again. The Bible says to guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life, so I also think it would be wise to re-think the facebook thing.

ANYWAY

The beauty in all of this is that God redeemed my life. I am so blessed because I knew God that whole time. In between sophomore and junior year was a summer at Spring Canyon where tears fell down my face as I sang Power of Your Love (which was the COOLEST song at the time; that and Lord I Lift Your Name on High), and renewed my relationship with God. Unfortunately I forgot all about Him as I stepped back into reality, and into old habits and not so great choices.

There were so many saving graces through those two hard years. God brought people in my life who knew me and loved me both for me and in spite of me. This isn't some kind roll call, but Amanda is the first person that comes to mind. We bonded over band camp freshman year, and were not the most healthy influences for each other sophomore year. I won't go into detail embarassing her, but let's just say we got into a lot of trouble together. Some of it actually makes me smile. Through all of that, though, she was my closest confidant and very, very best friend. Moving away from her after sophomore year was gut wrenchingly (is that a word?) hard. I decided to move back to Kansas and go to K-State mostly because I wanted to be near her again. :) Even though I was behaving myself quite a bit more senior year, I still enjoyed a good party (again, I'm a sanguine. We love to have a good time!). I'll never forget a conversation I had with her over the phone the summer before our first year at K-State where I was talking to her about all the fun college parties we'd go to together, and she said "Marie, I don't think I really want to do all that stuff anymore." I (think I) replied "You know what? Me either." That's a whole other post in and of itself..........
There are other wonderful friends from Leavenworth and amazing influences that year: Joey, Bill Springston, ANGELA!!! (who told me about Spring Canyon in the first place and is thus responsible for my amazing marriage to Devin), Mr. and Mrs. Dolinger (Joel's parents) etc. etc. etc. Please don't be hurt if I left you out. This is a lot to type! But very therapeautic.....

Leigh Ayn was definitely my saving grace in Maryland junior year. Leaving Amanda was SO HARD, and I was so worried I wouldn't have another kindred spirit in this new place. I met her at youth group. She was listening to the Beastie Boys and dancing around. She was kind of quirky, not in a creepy, smelly way, but like me! Cute and weird! Shortly thereafter we started making up nicknames for each other and were basically inseparable for the next two years. We were very silly, but we were also there for each other during some really dark times.

My senior year of high school was so. much. better. My friend Melissa (from middle school) moved to the area and we reconnected. I started hanging out with friends at school who were less interested in skipping class and hanging out to smoke and drink, and more interested in doing slightly more productive activites. I started working at Baby Gap and singing in madrigals. Through Melissa, I met her boyfriend Dan (the boy version of Leigh Ayn). Dan and Melissa ended up breaking up, but he and I stayed really good friends. He was such a strong influence. I am so thankful for him.

Then there's Spring Canyon. Just google it. It was my second home. I spent 6 summers there. I have amazing friendships with people that I met there (Keri, Micah, Betsy, Edi, Nat). No matter how bad things were during the school year, Spring Canyon was a clean slate. You didn't have to worry about fitting in. You were loved, except for the times you got in trouble for not helping to clean enough or for too much flirting with a certain boy named Devin Riley.

What started as a camp fling continued as a relationship. One night I was laying next to Devin (against camp rules. You know me and rules) and I shared with him about the relationships I'd had with other guys and basically just laid it all for him. Instead of saying "No thanks! I think I'll find someone better" he said "None of what you just said changes how I feel about you." I went to visit him, I mean K-State, my senior year and got to see his dorm and meet a bunch of his friends, who were in total shock that shy, introverted Devin had a girlfriend...in high school. We were all sitting in his dorm hanging out when Jeremy Krause and Mark Mittenmayer started playing guitar and Laurie Loomis (now Larson) started singing Power of Your Love.

Praise music?! In your dorm?! With your friends?! In your free time? This is amazing! I knew at that moment that I would go to K-State...no questions asked. Through Devin I met Brooke, his very hip and sophisticated friend,who was a senior willing to live in the dorms with freshmen girls to reach out to them. My very first Sunday at K-State I went to church with them, as well as a couple of girls named Marisa Spear and Heather Thomas. Brooke (along with Katie and Lindsey) decided to start a bible study in Ford Hall called coffee talk. Amanda and I lived in Moore hall. At our first "floor meeting" either Amanda or I (I can't remember) announced that we would be watching Dawson's Creek in our room every week and anyone else that wanted to, was welcome to come. A cute little blonde named Rachel Noll showed up the first time and the rest is history. A couple years later Keri decided to move to Kansas for her own Spring Canyon man, and we became roommates and best friends. I grew by leaps and bounds in my relationship with God during college years. I read the Ragamuffin Gospel and learned that God really will redeem our lives from the pit. He put so many beautiful people in my life those years. I am so truly humbled when I think about it. My wedding was such a beautiful day. All of these people that I told you about, my saving graces, were there...together. In one place! Even Jeremy, who played guitar that night in the dorms, was there playing his guitar at the ceremony.
We've seen each other through marriages, babies, exciting job ventures, but also through depression, miscarriage, divorce, infertility, death, cancer, and other really terrible tragedies. Plus the day to day, just plain hard stuff. I can't say enough how thankful I am for these friendships. It is truly how I see God's hand on me in my life.

Then there's the fam. My parents are wonderful. When I started at K-State, my dad was transferred to Italy (ARMY) and then DC, so I didn't have them around for four years. I think this time away from them really made me appreciate how much I loved them. If that didn't do the trick, having babies really makes you appreciate your parents! My mom's been in Arkansas for the last week, and it's killing me because I am used to talking to her every day. I am thankful that she open to sharing her heart with me. I love watching my dad with my girls. He is so loving and affectionate with them. It's very precious to me. I love that we talk about heart-related things now, and that our relationship is headed in a deeper direction. Same is true for me and my brother. Another family member that I've connected with by leaps and bounds is my Aunt Shel, my mom's sister. It started with her calling me when I was in the pit of dispair about being pregnant with Addison (whom I couldn't imagine life without should you learn to read anytime soon!!!! I love you my sweet girl!!!) because she understood where I was coming from when no one else did. Now we text about 13 times each day. Plus she is the only one who gets why I think it would be fun to go to Starbucks...every day.

So what's happening with me right now? I guess I am learning to "live forgiven"

Micah 7:19
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

I don't have to feel guilt or fear when those memories come creeping up, or when I see a blast from the past on facebook or when I'm at work. God has redeemed my life. I can be Devin's wife and raise my girls with confidence that I am God's precious child, whom He loves dearly. Sometimes I live in fear because my life has been so calm (as calm as it can be with a 1 and a 3 year old running around), and relatively trouble free. I worry that God has some awful test for me right around the corner that I will have to endure. I know those are lies, and ignoring the truth and believing them is a sin, but sometimes it's hard not to think those things when you see the people you love going through such awful things. You can't help but think "when's my turn?"

(As a sidenote every time I think that I think about the scene from The Sex and the City movie where Charlotte is thinking the same thing and Carrie says "Charlotte you shit your pants this year. I think you're done." That basically has nothing to do with this except that I think that is one of the best movie lines of all time. BTW is it ok to mention Sex and the City in your testimony? I hope so. )

Honestly, though, I know that is not the way to live life. Worrying about losing my kids or my husband will rob me of the all the joy I have with them. Giving up the fears when they pop in my head is something I'm working on. That and finishing this blasted Boundaries book! I always get so excited about starting a new book and then get bored halfway through. Let's face it: The Twilight Series is a lot more fun to read. :)

Thank you for reading my story. If you finished it, you deserve a prize. Honestly, I could go on and on about God's grace in my life. I could do a whole post on Devin's family, or my first couple years of marriage. Or how hard parenting is sometimes (oh wait...I post about that all the time!), or how awesome Westside Church has been in our lives. Can the people pleasing/approval seeking/not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings side of me just say one more time please don't be upset if I didn't outright mention your name. If you're my friend or family member, you've impacted my life. Period.

Love you all. Now, no more complaining about my absence!

Next up: Blog totally devoted to my love for all things television!

So sweet

I was wondering what kind of "lovie" Ainsley might become attached to as separation anxiety set in. When she was about 5 or 6 months old she went to sleep much easier with my t-shirts, but that was short lived. She does take a pacifier, but she doesn't have a favorite stuffed animal or blanket. Ainsley's "soother" is the threads that have unraveled from her Ikea crib bumper. Every time we lay her down in the crib, she strokes her crib bumper until she finds the two loose threads and then grabs them. It calms her down right away. It's so weird, but so adorable. I don't think we'll ever be able to get rid of that thing.